Vertigo: An Origin Story
It will be ten years this year that my life was spun in a thousand different directions. What I now understand was an acute unilateral hypofunction of my right vestibular nerve led me to the ER after two days spent lying flat on my back staring at my non-stop-spinning studio apartment ceiling in NYC. I thought until then that I was really doing everything right. I had a great job, I was living in the big city, had my own place and a great social life. I didn't feel limited in any way and nothing was stopping me. Until 4 am on an idle Tuesday in 2012. Waking up to the room completely spinning, I rolled out of bed in a complete panic: "I just need to stand up", I thought. I just need to fix my eyes on something, "why is everything spinning?" In standing up, I immediately became sick on the floor of my nice new apartment rug. I could barely fixate my eyes on the floor in front of me as I somehow stumbled to the bathroom, I felt so sick. I called my dad, I called my boyfriend, nobody wanted to be bothered in the middle of the night. "Go back to sleep, you're fine", they said. "I'm so scared", I told them, but wasn't really sure what else to say that might be convincing enough to alarm them in the way that I was. I went back to sleep but only without a pillow under my head on the fake panel wood floors in my garage-converted-into-studio-apartment apartment because that was the only position I could be in without continuously vomiting. I know, sorry for the details.
The next morning my dad brought me gatorade to the front door of my apartment. My neighbors were at work, so I moved to get the gatorade in the only way that I could: crawling 1 foot, sinking down into a child’s pose and shutting my eyes, repeat. I did this over and over until I arrived the 20 feet to the front apartment door and stood up, became nauseous, got sick again, opened the front door, grabbed the gatorade, closed the door, locked it, became sick, crawled as above back to my apartment and laid back down on the floor.
That night my mom fed me, and helped me to drink gatorade through a straw. She said I seemed fine. The next morning I finally convinced my dad to take me to the emergency room.
In the weeks that followed I transitioned to walking with a cane, taking slow steps, adjusting my tolerance to upright and trying not to vomit. I mostly laid completely flat on my back, most days were spent that way. Yoga had always been an afterthought, something I skipped out on at the end, in college (savasana, who needed it) - “eh, it’s just stretching”. After having that episode of vertigo, it was the only exercise activity I could do without becoming dizzy or falling over, period.
But something I never expected also began to happen: my heart, soul, and mind started to melt over the practice… I cried in savasana after a couple of classes, I remember asking the teacher why that was happening, I was very confused.
At the same time, I started vestibular PT and fell in love with the profession. I went back to school for physical therapy and knew yoga was also going to be a big part of my story.
On my road in the years since, I’ve experienced countless episodes of spaciness, anxiety, panic attacks, fear of experiencing that again. It has taken time but my body and my soul finally feel closer than ever to who I was before. Had I never experienced it, I might not have realized the unending grace of yoga practice, or the beauty in the profession of rehabilitation.
Through it all, I feel extremely lucky. It is difficult when you are in the middle of something heavy to see what might be there for you on the other side. Things may (or may not) happen for a reason. Regardless, if we pay attention, life has its unique divining rod moments which can direct us toward the love and light we so crave to experience. I tell this story because when the road seems toughest that is when you’re growing. I never believed I would be doing what I so love to do, but I let having that episode of severe vertigo change my life.I hope that my story inspires you to share your story, and the road that you have taken to get here. It may seem like you have gotten spun out, but sometimes that is just you starting a new chapter.
